Who am I?

What does it mean to be feminine? All my life, I have been told that I need to be more feminine, and to this day, I'm not sure exactly what that means. Oh, I know what I see in "feminine" women. They dress all pretty and nice, act like sluts, and use their feminine wiles to get what they want. Yeah, I want to be that alright. >:-( <---(this is my annoyed face)

But seriously. What is a woman supposed to be? How is she supposed to act, to dress, to love, and what is she supposed to want, need, and desire? All my life I have been told that if I don't act a certain way, or dress in a certain style, guys won't want me. If I don't look "perfect", guys won't want me.

How can I, as a woman, change what has been ingrained in me since I was little? Many of you know me. You know how I am, how I act, what I love. I love action movies. I hate chick-flicks. I hate overdone romance scenes. I even tell everyone that I believe love is a conspiracy. It's all a defence mechanism to hide what I really feel inside.

What I really hate is that we as women are being programed to believe that we are too emotional, too needy, too much trouble.

That is me. I'm too much trouble and work for someone to really want to know me. Why would anyone want to go to the trouble to actually know my heart, to know me? To be honest, I don't think anyone wants to know me. People say they do, they say that they care, but when it comes down to the heart of the matter, its all shallow talk.

Because when I let down my walls and finally start to talk about me, and my heart, they stop listening. They move on to other topics. They avoid my emotions and problems.

THAT is why I hide. Because no one truly listens. They say that they do, but they don't.
Yes, my friends listen. But when was the last time a guy actually listened to me? They ask how I am all the time. But if I start to get even slightly emotional, they shut off.

I'm reading Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldridge and to be completely honest, I am in the same spot many women are. I don't feel beautiful. I don't feel cherished. I long for the assurance that I am worthy of men. I want to feel desired. I want to be romanced.
Many of us long for that. But it never comes. Even when we get married, the romancing eventually stops. We don't feel cherished or desired. Some of us never have felt that.

Lots of people tell me that it will happen, but honestly? I don't see it.

Who would want to be with someone like me?

Who am I?

For those of you who are reading this that don't know me, allow me to explain this simple, yet complex question.

I am a complex being with a complex mind.

I am a scientific wonder,
made up of flesh,
bones,
mucles,
nerves,
cells.

All these things make my body.
But none tell who I am.
All these things tell what I look like.

They are superficial.

They are the things that can be changed in an instant.
In one moment,

all
can
change.

A car accident.
A fire.
A school shooting.

Your outward appearence can be altered.

Your mucles can weaken.
Your nerves can die.
Your cells can kill each other.
Flesh can rot.
Bones break.

The superficial doesn't matter.
The outside doesn't matter.

What does matter?
Who I AM matters.

Who am I?

I am...ME.

I feel,
I think,
I dream,
I AM.

God created me to BE,
to live,
to thrive.

He designed me to love,
to be loved.

My personality is unique.

No one else has the same combination.

I ask it again, though this time in...
confusion.

Who AM I??

I realize that I don't know.

The world has told me what to be for so long...
I
don't
remember.

I can't remember who I am.
I don't know who I am anymore.

Instead of being real...
I hide...

I hide behind the masks.

For my friends,
I am happy,
hyper,
fun,
crazy,
but I am numb.

For my family
I am withdrawn and distant at times,
happy, fun, and crazy at other.
But I am still numb.

With strangers, I am cold...distant.
But I am still friendly.
I let no one close,
because I am STILL numb inside.

And when I'm by myself...

I cry,
I smile.

I yell,
I laugh.

I curse,
I bless.

I hurt,
I FEEL...

Because I don't HAVE to be numb.

When I am alone,

I
am
MYSELF.

There is no one around me to tell me that who I am is not good enough.

So who is the perosn behind the masks?

A simple girl who loves.

I love.
I love God,
I love music.
I love my family,
my friends.

I love writing,
art,
creativity.
I love nature,
darkness,
and light.

I hurt from past wounds.
My wounds have healed...
mostly...
though they break open at times.

I distrust faster than I trust.

I don't dare to dream for fear of being let down.

I am taking a risk here,
bearing my soul to anyone who reads this.

That is called a leap of faith.

I have my own beliefs,

such as...

Jesus Christ is LIFE
Everybody may lie, but all truth begins in lies.
There IS no day but today.
If you hold onto regret, you'll miss living.
Death is not the end.
Love and trust are both a leap of faith,
ones that I am scared to take.

But love heals.

Love heals all wounds.
I come with baggage.
Emotional
Spiritual
Mental.

But that baggage does not define me,
GOD defines me

He will use me
He will love me
He will always care about me.

People will let me down.
But HE won't.
So who am I?

I
AM
ME!

And that is all that I can be!

So....

After reading all of that, who would want to be with me? I totally bared myself open. That all above is who I am.

I am female.
I am human.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.

I am an individual.

But most of all...

I am God's daughter.

It doesn't matter if I don't have a guy who loves me, cares for me, and appreciates me.

What matters is if I love, care for, and appreciate myself. The rest will fall in place.