What the bloody hell did I do to deserve this? I'm pretty sure I haven't eaten any babies or pushed over any old ladies in the past month or so. I mean, ever. I haven't done those things...ever.
My head is foggy and there's this little place at the base of my skull that is throbbing with the exertion of staying functional. Yet the moment I lay my head to rest on that nice pillow, every ounce of exhaustion flies away as if it allergic to the cotton of the fucking pillow case and leaves room instead for the thoughts that crowd each other and yell obscenities.
Do you know how hard it is to sleep when you have different people's voices in your head yelling to be heard over each other? Anyone that I have interacted with today is in my head, all clamoring for the leading role in tonights random mental conversation. Usually I can scream at them all to shut up and let me sleep, but nope. They just don't give a fuck.
And I have to be awake at 6:30 to make and serve breakfast and meds to the residents. And I work until...well.....I'm done with 8 pm meds. Then I can just rest until 10, close up the downstairs, and sleep.
I'm being punished for something, I just know it.
2 comments:
It's hard to believe that you're not being punished but I really don't think you are. I think this is all a chemical fuck up and something in your brain chemistry needs to be balanced. It's not something you did. But it's so hard to belive when it's happening to you. I have gone through years of excruciating physical pain and I have prayed, bargained, everything. And I don't have the answers. The best I can come up with is that I'm such a stubborn, thick-headed person that maybe this is the only way I can learn the lessons I need to learn to survive my life. But it's not fair at all. It sucks, it keeps happening and all we can do is our best.
This isn't me preaching to you or trying to bring you down this is just me expounding on the thoughts I had when I read your blog.
I love you, Becca! And I appreciate your comments. I know you aren't trying to belittle me!
Post a Comment