Warning Label

I need a sign.  Or a warning sticker.

"Does not live well with others."

I'm stubborn, set in my ways, and hate being told what to do.  I am so, so, so very impatient.  I also do not do well with change. I'm a 79 year old in a 26 year old body.

Sigh

If I can't get a grip on my emotions, I fear that I am going to push away the best thing in my life right now.  No one in their right mind would, or should, chose to deal with me for a prolonged period of time and I really don't blame them.  I'd abandon myself if I could.    

A Strange Void

There is this bizarre void in my heart that started after Chase left the first time he visited me.  That initial void was very small, and quite easy to ignore.  After all, while we had been talking on and off for five or six months, and quite steadily for the last two of those months, that week after Thanksgiving was the first time we had met face-to-face.  That week was amazing, spending actual time in the presence of the man who had captured my interest, who had such similar likes and hobbies and interests.

The second time, I was the one who did the leaving, and that tiny void grew.  It was harder to ignore once I had arrived home and had nothing to think about but the fact we were once again apart.  We spent a fantastic week doing so much around Minneapolis and gaming and going out to eat, and the feelings grew a bit more.

This third time was once again Chase leaving Lincoln a day ahead of schedule, which was heartbreaking for me.  And the void from his absence is now unable to be ignored.  The interest that I feared would fade hasn't, and instead of being terrified, I am trying to hard to ignore it for now.  I really am content with simply being Chase's girlfriend and enjoying the talks we have and the time we can spend together every few months.

I have no idea what the future holds, but I do know that at this moment, I want to be with Chase.  Not married, but content with calling him my boyfriend, with him calling me his girlfriend, knowing that there is a mutual interest in each other and that he makes me smile and feel beautiful, and that I make him feel important and worthy.

tl:dr - I miss Chase.  :)

Unmentionables

There are ... things, I suppose, that people do to themselves that I've never quite understood.  Getting so plastered you can't remember your own name is a huge one.  I've been drunk twice.  The first time was awesome.  It took 8 shots over about an hour, hour and a half to get me to where I was floaty and buzzy and completely numb emotionally.  Fan-bloody-tastic.  Also, I apparently waxed poetic on the awesomeness that is the female boob.  Specifically mine, I hear.  facepalm

The second time was so far from awesome I'm pretty sure it went into the negatives.  In an attempt to reach the wonderful feeling I had accomplished two nights previous, I decided to go for broke:  12 shots in about an hour.  Twelve.  In just over an hour.  Twelve.  Yeah.  I went from sober to slightly buzzed to nice and floaty in about 10 minutes.  Sweet.  And then at minute eleven, I hit the "so fucking dizzy I want to puke, pass out, and DIE" phase.  I spent the next hour puking every 5-10 minutes as my stomach churned while my head spun violently in loopty-loops and corkscrews.  Once my stomach finally settled down, I promptly passed out in the giant chair in our living room while watching who knows what on TV, my body unwilling to attempt the walk upstairs.

I also have no idea why on earth someone would smoke.  Anything.  Cigs or weed.  I should be ashamed to admit this, but I have tried the green stuff before.  Burned in my poor lungs like fucking hell.  Never.  Again.  Even if my brain did slow down enough for me to actually be able to process most of what goes on inside my head, it ain't worth it.  I already have breathing issues due to a chronic bronchial cough, and I spent the next two days coughing up shit trying to be able to breath properly again.  So, it was very not worth it.  Seriously, anyone who is concerned about my well-being right now, I am not doing it again.  Ever.

I'm going to simply enjoy my one social drink, pretend that cigarette smoke doesn't bother me, and attempt to obtain a blissful ignorance that there is no such thing as weed or drugs.  I blame the environment in which I was raised.  If the Adventist schools would actually teach their kids about what this shit was, most of us wouldn't be so damned curious to try the "forbidden fruits" ourselves just to say "ha, take that you old fuddy duddy!".

TED Talks I Find Inspirational Part 2

JD Schramm: Break the silence for suicide attempt survivors


Charlie Todd:  The Shared Experience of Absurdity


Sarah Kay:  If I Should Have a Daughter

Anxious

Thoughts are swirling

Feelings twirling

Stomach churning

Heart is yearning

Children

It is the wide-eyed wonderment

of things not experienced before

Of adventures and journeys

Of imagination and beyond

It is the innocent laughter 

following jokes and pranks

Playing with friends and siblings 

Their made-up elaborate games

It is the open heart of innocence

of things they don't understand

Of acceptance and love

Of similarities and differences

It is the tears running down cheeks

and the concept of unfairness

Of righteous indignation

The desire to protect the weak