Shortcomings

I'm not writing this to be a bitchy, whiny little baby who can't deal with her own problems.  I just feel the need to get this off my chest and maybe then I can get back to being bubbly and happy and thrilled with having a boyfriend.
I'm currently sitting in a deep pit of depression.  I can't seem to find enjoyment in anything I've done the past few days and that irritates me.  What irritates me even more, however, is the fact that I have a wonderful boyfriend who tells me he's so much happier with me in his life, that he cares about me, that I'm special, and I can't bring myself to believe him.  I want to.  I'm trying to.  I know he isn't just telling me this because I want to hear it.

I want to open up with him, be completely honest and forthcoming with my own thoughts, ideas, and musings.  But there's this little nagging voice that holds me back, screaming about past friendships and other letdowns.  We did talk about this last night.  But I still don't feel better.  I feel...numb, I guess.

I hate depression.  I care a lot about Chase, I know I do.  But right now, I'm just not feeling it.  And I fucking hate that lack of feeling.  When we have our nightly video chats, I feel better for seeing him.  But now, in the morning (almost afternoon) that little bit of euphoria is gone and the unhappiness returns.

I'm going out with friends for New Years and I'm really excited.  At least, I know I would be if not for the state of mind I'm in.  I am currently numb to the prospect of seeing friends I haven't seen in MONTHS.

And now I'm going to go force myself to eat Chinese takeout with my brother.

Sigh.